In my latest examiner column:
I wrote about the 12th annual central Ohio grief conference with the title: 'helping children with grief and trauma in today's world' by Linda Goldman, MS, LCPC, FT. Some of the techniques Linda expands upon in her book, Children Also Grieve, Talking about Death and Healing are very useful for adults. These are conversations we simply don't have until the last minute when hospice is called in- or sometimes not at all. I hear stories all the time from people who haven't got a clue what to do as far as final arrangements, banking accounts, locating xyz and more. Even when death is anticipated it's still a surprise.
The book is full of very simple, useful questions followed by 'tell me about it/them'.
Here are some examples: 'Can you tell me what you think death is? (has a very simple explanation following):How did the person you knew die? Are there any feelings you hide? Have you ever felt ashamed about a feeling you've had towards the person who died? What makes you angry? What can you do when you feel angry? (sad etc.) Is there something that scares you? Where in your body do you feel your feelings? Do you have any 'if only's?' Who can you share your grief with? How do you share your grief? How does it make you feel to share your grief? What do you wonder about? Have you ever felt that the person you knew who has died was with you in some way? Have you ever had a dream about your special person? What questions do you have about the person who died? Where do you think the person you knew is now? Where do you go to feel safe and peaceful? What rituals do you use to remember your person? Did you get to say goodbye?'
Some of the projects include writing a letter to the person who died, making a memory box or photo album, identifying feelings from a list, identifying worries, fears, regrets, hopes and memories- funny ones and favorite ones. It involves talking about what the funeral was like and if you could say goobye now what would you say. I use variations of this with recently bereaved: If your loved one was sitting with you, what would he/she say to you now- really meditate on this and think of a few things. What would you tell them?
One sunny early June day in Northwest Iowa four of my six nieces and nephews had just finished the school year and were going to the library to get Chronicles of Narnia videos. My 18 year old niece was driving with her 16 year old sister in the passenger seat; two nephews 14 and 11 in the back seat- all belted in. As they pulled up to the end of their gravel road to turn left, up onto the main highway, tall grasses waved in the ditch and the afternoon sun shone brightly into the car. As Crystal edged forward to see better she realized a truck pulling a trailer full of windows was flying towards them, bearing down doing 71 in a 45. The car was broadsided and my nephews died instantly. Both nieces were life-flighted to Des Moines on life support with brain injuries where an around the clock prayer vigil formed. They recovered. The collision would never have happened had the driver applied his brakes according to the reconstructionist.
This is my brother the winter following the accident. I took the photo hiking in the Hocking Hills at Ash Cave. This is how it turned out (with minor Photo-shop ajustments). He was literally carrying around a black cloud which covered his entire face and head. Through the tunnel of light you can see two trees. It's so symbolic. Symbols are good. They help us remember. They help us cope. I have a beautiful framed shadowbox of two bright blue butterflies which remind me of the boys; that, and many, many things- like fishing, spiders, snakes, trips to the zoo, Godzilla toys, pancakes and pineapple sundaes. 'Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!' Life is still good.
Eckhart Tolle said that the opposite of death is not life, but birth . . . Life has no opposites- it's eternal. As the physicists affirm, the reality is eternity and time is just a concept. Use it wisely. And peace to you, not as the world gives.
'annie'
